View Full Version : The jokes thread
Well, thought it may be a good idea to start one, so here goes: -
Please try to keep them suitable for all audiences
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...
"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/KBL007/Scrapbook/garfield.jpg
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says,
"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun
needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."
As the officer writes Out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,
"Can't you Please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see officer; I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says,
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
" Only when he's been drinking."
Feel free to add your own
bluestar
31-10-2005, 14:37
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands -free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat it's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,.. go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000"
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Bluestar. Good Joke, but you metioned G**f. Or is that not a sport?
Bluestar. Good Joke, but you mentioned G**f. Or is that not a sport?
Picky......... good joke I thought
bluestar
01-11-2005, 17:25
INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super-model....and it's
free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain
offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive
yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
Excellent stuff, keep em coming fellas
Mobile Man, where's your original jokes you first posted ? I thought they were quite good. When time permits I will add a couple but here's one for now...
Me and Tommy Cooper were in London one night having a few beers before the last train came back to Peterborough and I said to him where do you want to go for the last couple, he replied I've always wanted to go to Soho Spec. We went down to Soho and the great London fog suddenly came down and you couldn't see more than a foot in front of you. I'm wandering round Soho shouting Tommy Tommy where are you, all of a sudden a bird taps me on the shoulder and says are you after a good time, I said no I am trying to find my mate to catch the last train back to Peterborough. She says come with me I'll look after you, I said no I've got to find him go away, she tries again and again I said no clear off.
She lifts her skirt up and says to me does your mate look like this and I said no he's a bigger c*** than that.
Mobile Man, where's your original jokes you first posted ? I thought they were quite good........
I decided to edit them, as this forum is read by people of all ages, and i dont think they were suitable for the younger audience, so decided to edit them, i did add a small rule to follow, its in the original post in bold. So please keep the jokes coming, but do try to keep them suitable for all audiences.
This might sound like im being a miserable so and so, but im not honest..... :mad: just not wanting to cause offence.
Didnt think many people saw the original ones i posted anyway
bluestar
02-11-2005, 08:02
So Tommy Cooper is holding court in the local pub after another fine Saturday afternoon win. He's had a few sherberts, and says " Yeah I am pretty famous, and know loads of people". Spec, nearby hears this and says" C'mon Tom you ain't that famous". "Yes, I am" Tommy replies, " I am known throughout the land". Spec decides that enough is enough, " Alright, I bet you don't know Tony Blair!". " Yep, says Tommy, " me and Tony often have a Chinese on a Saturday". "Prove it" says Spec.
Off the two go to Downing Street, Tommy knocks on number 10, and Cherie answers the door. " Hello, Tommy, nice to see you again. I'm sorry but Tony has just nipped off to Brussells for the evening, he will be sorry he missed you, don't forget next Friday, and our take away at Chequers!".
Spec, is astonished, but being made of sterner stuff says " You just got lucky with that one Tommy, bet you dont know the Queen?" " Me and Liz are Whist partners" says Tommy. "Prove it" says Spec, so off they go to Buckingham Palace.
Tommy rings the bell, and Phil the Greek answers the door. " Watcha Tommy, how are you? Sorry Liz is off at some function or other, she will be sorry she missed you, dont forget we have cards next Wednesday".
For once Spec is speechless, but quickly regaining his composure he says " Its been too easy Tommy, lets try further afield, bet you dont know the Pope! " Yup" says Tommy, "weve talked tactics over the years". "Prove it" says Spec, so off they fly to Rome.
They arrive on Sunday Morning and make their way to St Peters Square, where 500,000 people are gathered for Sunday Mass. Tommy tells Spec to wait where he is, and he will see what he can do.
Finally after 20 minutes two tiny figures appear in the distance on the Vatican balcony. Spec, who all local refs know has problems now and again with his eyesight, and cant quite make out who the figures are, so he grabs one of the Popes Swiss Guards and asks " is that the Pope on the balcony in the distance. The Swiss guard looks hard and then says " Don't know, but that looks like Tommy Cooper with him !"
Just received bad news about George Best, he's only got 1 hour to live.............................................. .................................................. ...... There is some good news though, ITS HAPPY HOUR!
All the best George
Have you all got a fetish for Tommy Cooper :lol:
Keep em coming fellas
Things to do while the other half shops
01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: Code 3 in House wares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME ! ! - PICK ME ! !!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal Position and scream " OH NO! It's those voices again!!!"
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
Another couple for ya's
Apologies if youve seen these before but i thought they were funny: -
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you."
lozzaman
02-11-2005, 22:03
Purifying Water
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.."
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's
"Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush???"
The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"
lozzaman
02-11-2005, 22:19
Juicy Squirt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
lozzaman
02-11-2005, 22:22
Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States."
Some more for you: -
A tramp asks a man for two dollars.
The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?" The tramp says no.
The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The tramp says no.
Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?"
How can you tell E.T is a Liverpool fan?
Because he looks like one!
How much do cockneys spend on shampoo?
Pan-tene
bluestar
09-11-2005, 08:06
oldies but goodies.....
A man and a woman, who have never met before, who are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and
uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell
asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****** blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
__________________________________________________ ___________
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're
next, fatty."
__________________________________________________ ___________
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
http://www.dabollicks.com/PST/yoga-ind.jpg
or
http://www.dabollicks.com/PST/yoga-ire.jpg
bluestar
10-11-2005, 09:22
Health Warning.
Yesterday Government scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned
-------------------------------------------------
Fowl piece of luck, chaps.
Sometimes fact really is stranger than fiction.
Did you spot the story this week about scientists at a top secret British Government laboratory building a gun to launch dead chickens at the windscreens of airliners, military jets and spacecraft, all travelling at maximum velocity?
The idea was to test the strength of aircraft windscreens against simulated impact from flying birds.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were keen to test it on the windscreens of the space shuttle.
A gun was sent to the NASA space centre, and when fired they were shocked to see the results.
The chicken hurtled out of the barrel like a missile, shattered the windscreen, blasted through the control console, snapped the astronauts’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the shuttle control cabin.
The horrified NASA engineers sent the British guys their disastrous results and begged for suggestions.
The Brits responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
bluestar
18-11-2005, 11:46
Been a funny old week thank God for local footie....
Corporate Lessons
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story :
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
*****
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
*****
Lesson Number Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) When you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut.
*****
In summary
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys…
all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some
fooling around and some simply just idling...
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see …….
nothing but assholes.
A man is lined up in front of the firing squad waiting to be killed, the leading officer asked "Have you any last requests?" Man replies, "yes, can you let Peter Crouch take the shot?"
David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he has no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse around the neck, shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved From hitting the ground by the fact he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, But his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along, David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse
lozzaman
30-11-2005, 15:48
An ice cream man was found dead on top of his ice cream van covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands.
The police later revieled that he topped himself.
it has to be rob swindle(sorry windle) and his crappy leagues. they used to be excellent with a really high standard of football now my nan could get in a prem side and she died years ago!
oh and there notice board/forum is a joke. people really do think its the best its ever been in the rwt leagues.
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the
shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and
which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing
them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you
had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch
the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it
would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
Englishman, Irishman & Scottsman discussing the discoveries of items in their 16yr old's daughter's bedrooms
The Englishman says 'I found a packet of cigarettes in my daughter's room. I didn't even know she smoked.'
The Scottsman says 'I found a bottle of vodka in my daughter's room. I didn't even know she drank'
The Irishman says 'I found a packet of condoms in my daughter's room. I didn't even know she had a penis!!'
:lol:
Back of the Net
17-02-2006, 16:01
Coopperisms: (Apt for this site I thought!)
I backed this horse at twenty to one
- it came in at half past four.
It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster.
So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.
Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'
I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.
I went to the doctor the other Day, I said to him "I've broken my arm in several places. He said to me "you shouldn't go to those places"
This man says to me "my dog's got no nose"
So I said to him "How does he smell?"
"Terrible"
'Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaggh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
Slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
I went to the dentist. He said my teeth are fine, my gums will have to come out.
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos ... so the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat"
I said "Why not?"
He said "We don't give him any"
I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French.
Everyone looked surprised, it was a Chinese restaurant.
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (camply) 'Make up your mind.'
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids.
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. :lol:
i saved myself £2 the other day by running home behind the bus-then i realised i could hane saved £10 by running home behind a taxi!!!!!!
i slept like a baby last night-i p*ssed myself 4 times and sh*t myself twice!
One to start this off again -
A Scottish ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have
some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a f*ckin liar!! "
And another
A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and
said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass
away from me to other side of room."
Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass
back to me."
Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly hook his head and said,
"Hokay, your probrem relly, relly bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see, that why you have No dates, that why you No get sex."
Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chung replied, "It when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!"
Been a while since anything was added in this thread
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She
told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday
Latest one doing the rounds
Sophie ellis bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a french footballer, apparently it was murder on Zi-dance floor
And another one: -
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and
says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would
like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand
and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
twice
and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German b*stards"
bluestar
14-07-2006, 07:54
A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room."
Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass back to me."
Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly hook his head and said,
"Hokay, your probrem relly, relly bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see, that why you have No dates, that why you No get sex."
Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chung replied, "It when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!"
Look up about 3 or 4 posts, ive already posted that one :mad:
bluestar
14-07-2006, 15:10
she wanted a second opinion !!!!! :lol:
she wanted a second opinion !!!!! :lol:
That made me laugh more than the joke did :lol:
bluestar
24-07-2006, 18:22
So there is this family of balloons - there is Mum Balloon, Dad Balloon and they have an 11 year old Boy Balloon - who is very immature and still sleeps in the same bed as his parents. Time has come for the boy to go to secondary school, and his father tellls him "son, you start secondary school soon and as I dont want you to be laughed at and bullied its also high time for you to sleep in your own bed". Despite his protests, that night Dad makes his boy balloon go to bed in his own room, but the boy can't sleep and finally in the early hours of the morning he goes into his parents room and tries to climb in with them - first he goes to dads side, but there is no room, so he undoes dads nozzle and releases some air, still there is no room - so he goes to mums side of the bed, undoes her nozzle and releases a little of her air, but still there is no room - finally he undoes his own nozzle, and releases almost all of his air, which then allows him to climb on top of his parents, where he soon falls soundly asleep.
Dad wakes to find his son in the bed, and shakes him to wake him up "oh son" he says sadly " this time you've let your mum down, your dad down but on top of everything you've let yourself down"
lozzaman
24-07-2006, 23:03
What do you do if you catch someone steeling your gate?
Nothing, he might take a fence!
:lol:
D'you get that one off a Xmas cracker Lozzaman? :lol:
bluestar
28-07-2006, 09:02
An elderly man walks into a used car delership ready to buy a car.
The salesman brings the old man over to one of his finest cars and starts describing all the features.
The old man gets into the car and discovers a bag of golf tees in the glove compartment.
He asks what these are for, to which the salesman replies " These are used to prop you balls up whilst driving". The old man replies " boy this car really does have everything!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Bob replies " That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and my mate Charlie hit a hole in one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Bobs wife replied " oh that's terrible!"
Bob says " I know. Then for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball drag, Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie......"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and one for you Lozzaman
Two Mexican detectives are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. " How was he killed?" asks one detective. "with a golf gun," the other detective replied. " A golf gun ?! What's a golf gun?" " I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan !!!" :lol:
And another one: -
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
__________________
Time to get this going again
After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and i'd have to quit.
Then i caught her spending £65 on make-up so i asked how come i had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back
I said to my misses why are you ironing your bra you've got nothing to put in it, she said I iron your boxer shorts don't I.
bluestar
05-10-2006, 08:46
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
Symptom -Feet cold and wet
Fault - Glass being held at incorrect angel
Action - Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling
Symptom - Feet warm and wet
Fault - Inproper Bladder control
Action - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Symptom - Drink unusually pale and tasteless
Fault - Glass Empty
Action - Get someone to buy you another drink
Symptom - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault - You have fallen backwards
Action - Have yourself lashed to the bar
Symptom - Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault - You have fallen forwards
Action - see above
Symptom - Alcohol tasteless, front of shirt wet
Fault - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action - Retire to gents, practice in the mirror.
Symptom - Everyone looks up at you and smiles
Fault - You are dancing on a table
Action - Fall on someone cushy looking
Symptom - Drink is crystal -clear
Fault - its water, somebody is trying to sober you up
Action - punch him !
and my personal favourite .....
Symptom - Dont recognise anyone or the room you are in
Fault - You've wandered into the wrong party
Action - See if they have free alcohol!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%.
Its called Wedding Cake!
Salesman nocks at door, 16 yr old boy with make up on and stockings and suspenders opens the door, the sales man asks if his mum is home. The boy says does it look like my mums home :lol:
bluestar
13-10-2006, 07:26
Then there was this dopey youngster playing for my reserve side - he put a condom on inside out and went......
same lad went into the local chemist and asked for some black condoms -"sorry we havent got any, have you tried Boots?" said the assistant. "Yes, but it comes through the laceholes" he replied !
And not being put off he asked her for some deodorant - " ball or aerosol ? " she asked - "Neither" he replied, " its for under me arms !!!" :lol:
lozzaman
14-10-2006, 11:34
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink!!!
they also get married in white so they can match the domestic appliances!
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Quite simply, brilliant and what everyman would want to do!!
Hope you well Robbo and see you thurs.
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned
it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his
deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just
from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,including the wedding
party, was a manila envelope.
KEEP READING!!!
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride
having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them
weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes,he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people
would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest
wedding an reception, and best of all,trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends......................................$32,0 00.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion...................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui....................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man.......... Priceless.
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
:lol: :lol:
bluestar
10-11-2006, 11:27
It was October and the red indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the national weather service and asked, "is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the national weather service again. "does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"yes," the man at national weather service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the national weather service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
A woman walks into the Chemists and says."I'd like some Cyanide to poison my husband!"
"I'm sorry" says the Chemist, "It's not as easy as that, I can't just let you have Cyanide!"
With that, the woman reaches into her bag, and produces a photograph of her husband in bed with the chemists wife!
"I do apologise" says the chemist, "I didn't realise you had a prescription !!!".
:bst:
bluestar
10-11-2006, 14:52
Defenition of a wife -
Its a device you screw on the bed and it does the housework!
bluestar
10-11-2006, 14:55
Now you may think that the hardest and most painful part of a male to female sex change operation is when they remove the penis - WRONG that's the easy bit - the hard part is widening the mouth and taking the brain out !!! :mad:
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs & get me slippers?"
"No bother" he says & runs upstairs. When he gets upstairs, Paddy's 2 stunning 19yr old twin daughters are sat on their bed.
"Hello der girls, ur dad has sent me up here to shag ya both"
"**** off you liar" they said. "I'll prove it" says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs "BOTH OF EM PAD?"
"Course both of 'em, what's the use of ****ing one of them??!!!"
A young widow goes to the doctors for an internal check-up. Dr says "You're still a virgin but been married and widowed 3 times! How's that?"
Woman replies "1st husband was an astronomer, all he did was stare at it. 2nd was a psyhchologist, all he wanted to do was talk to it. 3rd was a stamp collector........God i miss him!!!"
try saying "beer can" without sounding like a jamaican "bacon" guarantee you wont be able to!!!!!
>A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
>Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
>Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
>sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to
>your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news.
>One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
>Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
>Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of
>town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her
bratts
bluestar
23-11-2006, 22:11
A man gets onto a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
bluestar
24-11-2006, 14:23
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess and the moral of the story is, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking
Q=Have you heard about the new OXO cube in Wolverhampton Wanderers colours????
A= It's called a laughing stock. :lol:
To all the people who brougt a Wolverhampton Wanderers yo-yo's, could you please replace them they are faulty. When they go down they don't come back up.
An Arsenal fan, a Scouser and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. The docters goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies.
He says, "each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation."
The Arsenal fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The docter immediately spots a fault.
He approaches the Arsenal fan and says, "come on lad, you know thats the chinese baby" to which the Gooner replies "I know, but there is a Scouse baby in there and I ain't taking no chances!"
Why Football Grounds Are Like Women
1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play
2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald
3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends
4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner
5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. ( I think we have all been to this ground a !!!. )
6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities
7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited
8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings
9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner
10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back
11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles
12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground
13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies
14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches
15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie
16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy
17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should
18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes
19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches
20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week
21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u **** the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead
22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf
23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco Supermarket with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bl*ody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would f**k you twice.”
Bratts
Little girl out riding her bike in the street, a copper on horseback trots up to her and says "did Santa bring you that bike for xmas my dear", "yes" the little girl replied, the copper says to her "next year tell him to put some lights on it" and gave her a ticket for £50. The little girl says "did santa bring you that horse for xmas". "yes" the cop chuckled to himself. "next year tell him the ***** goes underneath the horse" replied the little girl
Boy's 1st Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first
time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.
10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
Click on Beer Demo at bottom after reading Cool
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "TACKLE SHOPS/DAY TICKET FISHERIES"GOLF SHOPS / OR THE LOCAL in the phone book.
For a SHOCKING video to see how beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
The Ipswich game has been called off Saturday a dyslexic serial killer has murdered all the substitutes
Does anyone fancy playing rugby away in Ipswich this weekend?
They're running low on hookers!!
bought the wife's xmas pressies, black boots, small red dress, fishnet stockings and a one way ticket to ipswich!!
theres a dyslexic santa in ipswich ,,,,,
keeps leaving prossies under trees... :lol:
whats the difference between Mr kiplin and the ipswich serial killer ...?
Mr kiplin puts 6 tarts in a box...
you think it's cold here ?...
it's minus5 in ipswich .... :bst:
Back of the Net
14-12-2006, 14:51
A man walks in to a shop and asks the assistant " i need a pair of tights for the missus"
shop assistant says "sheer?"
Bloke says "no she at home"
bluestar
14-12-2006, 17:05
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas Stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
bluestar
14-12-2006, 17:06
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearlygates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
bluestar
14-12-2006, 17:16
Zookeeper says to Peterborough Sports Talk very own Spiderman - " Spiderman the female gorilla is on heat and I need someone to have sex with her - will you shag her for £500?"
Spiderman replies " I will on three conditions -
1. I dont have to kiss her,
2. my family dont get to find out and
3. I will need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"
bernard mathews has put up a £10000 reward for the arrest of the ipswich killer. he said "i've been strangling birds round here for years, this is my f**king patch!
bluestar
14-12-2006, 21:52
young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
bluestar
14-12-2006, 21:57
This is a "heads up" boys going into the Christmas season - for any of your players or friends who may be regular Tesco customers from one of my lads who got scammed!
He tells me, "Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:-
Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and sponge, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco store.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts putting her hands all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
He had his wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as he can buy some more wallets! "
SportsSec
15-12-2006, 16:36
Police are urging anyone in Ipswich who wants to Sex before Xmas to hurry up - While stocks last!
SportsSec
15-12-2006, 16:37
Ipswich rowing team are pulling out of any boat races this year - They keep losing their oars!
Michael Jackson has requested Rafa Benitez becomes his new manager apparently he wants to get spanked at home by 11 kids!!! :lol:
>Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
in a
>sauna.
>
>Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and
>the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly.
>
>"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the
skin
>of my arm."
>
>A few minutes later, a phone rang.
>
>The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his
>conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip
>in my hand."
>
>The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be
outdone.
>He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
>
>He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his
backside.
>
>The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around
and
>said:
>"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"
Bratts
Back of the Net
21-09-2007, 12:36
Chelsea players have released a new aftershave:
The Chosen 1 by 'u go boss'
bluestar
21-09-2007, 14:18
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says "Got any bread?"
Barman says "No,we have no bread."
Duck says "Got any bread?"
Barman says:"No,we haven't got any f******g bread!"
Duck says:"Got any bread?"
Barman says:"No are you deaf?! We havent got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*******g beak to the bar you irritating B*****d of a f*****g bird!"
Duck says:"Got any nails?"
Barman says:"No!"
Duck says "Got any bread?"
DEFRA have put a 3km foot and mouth protection zone around Stamford Bridge after someone saw 11 donkeys running around lost,disorientated and confused..
The Harrox
08-10-2007, 18:57
A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum,
'Granny's got a prawn!'.
The mother says 'What on earth do you mean?' The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa. He points to grandmas protruding clitoris and says 'Grannys got a prawn!'
His mother whispers 'Thats your grandmas clitoris son'
To which the little boy replies..'well it tastes like a prawn'
Glasgow Rangers Champions
09-10-2007, 07:36
Guess thats the normally thing that goes on in Spalding!!!! :lol:
The Harrox
09-10-2007, 11:35
Not a bad effort considering it was given to me by one of your own kind !!!!!!
:lol:
Then again his understanding of the English language is maybe a bit better than your own !!!!!!!!!!!
Guess thats the normally thing that goes on in Spalding!!!! :lol:
coming from someone in whittlesey!? :soo:
bluestar
09-10-2007, 15:06
Steady JB - he only got in cos he married my niece !!! :lol: ( mind you after watching him play a few times I reckon he might have six toes on each foot.... :mad:)
Glasgow Rangers Champions
14-10-2007, 09:12
Steady JB - he only got in cos he married my niece !!! :lol: ( mind you after watching him play a few times I reckon he might have six toes on each foot.... :mad:)
Would rather the six toes than the six chins!!!!!!!!!1 :lol:
bluestar
16-10-2007, 15:05
unfortunately Shaun - since you left the job at the gym you have both.......
Back of the Net
25-10-2007, 11:15
Found in an Arsenal online newsletter - Quality!
At first I was afraid, I was
petrified
Kept thinking I could never turn
Spurs into a top four side
But I spent oh so many nights
thinking how Stalteri did me wrong
Perhaps I'm wrong but I'll just have
to carry on
And we'll be back, into fifth place
Wait till the transfer window, sign
another waste of space
I should have sold Paul Robinson, I
should have dropped him from the
team
If I had known for just one second
he'd concede more than Derby
Go on now go - Bent, there's the
door
Just turn around now 'cause you
don't score goals anymore
Weren't you the one who cost more
than Thierry Henry?
I knew you'd crumble, I'd rather
have Emile Hes-key.
But I, I will survive
Oh, if we just win the next six
games I know I'll stay alive
I've got Tainio who is crap and
Huddlestone who's just fat
But I'll survive, I will survive
It took all the strength I had not
to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend Defoe's
relationship with his little tart
And I spent oh so many nights trying
on John Barnes's tights
And oh I've cried, I want the Spurs
job till I die!
And you see Keane, he hates me too
I subbed him off when we were
winning then we went and effing
drew!
And now I'm scratching my big chin,
should I just sell Ledley King?
If I'm gonna save my skin I'll need
some Labour party spin
Oh yes I, I will survive
Levy wants the Special One because
he’s got more drive
Or that bloke who’s at Seville, just
the thought it makes me ill
Hang on what’s that? You say my pay
off is four mill??
Go on now go, I’m out the door
Don’t need you nasty dirty scum fans
any more
Tottenham have no class, so stick
your job right up your arse
And I’ll survive, yes I’ll
surviiiiiiiiiiiiive!
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a young woman sitting by herself
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?
Woman: "No, they spread!"
Glasgow Rangers Champions
23-11-2007, 19:57
" it has been said the england team are going to change the emblem on their shirts. 3 lions now becomes 3 tampons 2 celebrte their worst period in history!!!"
:lol:
bluestar
24-11-2007, 09:43
A mate of mine was so disappointed at the dismal England showing that he went to see his doctor and asked him if he could surgically change his nationality, as he wanted to become a Sweaty Sock - and the doctor said "yes, that might be a possibility" when my mate asked whether it would be a painful operation the doctor said " yes, extremely painful - " so my mate asked " is the painful bit, when you have to manipulate my vocal chords to give me that gruff accent that no-one understands? and the doctor replied " No - thats the easy bit, the bit that hurts is when we widen your mouth and take your brain out !!!"
SportsSec
24-11-2007, 20:13
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised , answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm . In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit . After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised , smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard . In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable . After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?? asks the daughter"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
_________________
Glasgow Rangers Champions
24-11-2007, 21:35
Tom Tom are recalling bak all there sat navs ! apparently England are nowhere to be found in Europe!!! :lol:
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:13
Fast forward to 2008 - it is just before Scotland v Holland, a 2010 World Cup qualifying game. Robin van Persie goes into the Dutch changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
van Persie looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So van Persie goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Dutch team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Scotland 0 - Holland 1 (van Persie 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium ") - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes) - Holland 1 (van Persie 10 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:15
Q: What's the difference between The Invisible Man and Scotland?
A: You've got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals. :lol:
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:16
Q: What's the difference between a PG Tips monkey and a Scottish footballer?
A: A PG Tips monkey has been seen holding a cup.
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:18
shouldnt mock the afflicted - so here's one, without reference to Sweaties at all....
it's backstage in 1968 and Jim Morrison is being - ahem - 'orally serviced' by a young groupie when Mick Jagger and Keith Richards walk in.
Jim says 'hey baby - why don't you go and do my friends as well'.
so she goes over and does her thing.
then Michael Caine bursts in and says 'Oi!! you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!'.
This is a bit long winded:
The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team.
bluestar
07-12-2007, 08:55
The duck - a little story - quack quack!!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham
sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck,
'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'.
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,
'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringleader, 'get him to give me a call'.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!'
'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
'At the circus', says the barman.
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'Yes' says the barman
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
'Of Course' the barman replies.
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What would they want with a plasterer?
bluestar
07-12-2007, 08:59
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.
The duck - a little story - quack quack!!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham
sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck,
'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'.
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,
'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringleader, 'get him to give me a call'.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!'
'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
'At the circus', says the barman.
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'Yes' says the barman
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
'Of Course' the barman replies.
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What would they want with a plasterer?
TOOK ME AGES TO GET THAT!
bluestar
07-12-2007, 14:12
Its fortunate for you then Harbs that this is the season for goodwill etc, which also means an abundance of crappy cracker jokes which you probably will get a lot quicker;)
excellent, i need some new material at work, they are starting to think im semi intelligent having to have normal conversatinos about real life!
Following last nights break in at Stevie Gerrards house,
Apparently when the robbers burst in they shouted " stay where you are or were gonna shoot"
To which Alex Curran replied " not yet my mouths not open"
================================================== ==========
In a further development Phil Neville has had his fears allayed by the Merseyside police that he is on the gangs hit list.
Apparently they are not after Premiership winners medals!
These commercials tickled me
gC8s6qFrW8Y
bluestar
08-01-2008, 16:37
So a couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and stop at a tavern they visited at the start of their honeymoon in - as they sit in one of the private drinking booths the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I ' ve gotta see these two old-timers having sex against a fence; I ' ll just keep an eye on them so there ' s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn ' t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I ' ve got to ask them what their secret is. So,as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must ' ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence
bluestar
08-01-2008, 16:40
and here's something for all those Casualty addicts who having watched the show think they are now medical know-it-alls.
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It is called the 'anal optic nerve'. It's responsible for giving people a '****ty outlook' on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Just thought you would want to know.:)
bluestar
25-01-2008, 12:06
Bertl was worried that his wife was getting hard of hearing. Not quite sure
how to approach her about her hearing, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Bertl was in the study. He thinks, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So, the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Hun, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away: "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response. So, he walks right up behind her: "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Bert, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!"
"World's Shortest Fairytale"
Once upon a time a man asked a woman"Will you marry me?"
The woman replied "No" and the man lived happily ever after going fishing,golfing,drinking,sleeping around and still had money in his pocket at the end of every week!the end.
Back of the Net
04-02-2008, 12:46
From an irate WIFEY!!!!
MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY :
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f
** kin'red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a
> very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
>
> "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a
> faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
> divorce straight away!" And he replied:
>
> "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
>
> "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to
> me!" And he began:
>
> "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
> asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took
> pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin,
> not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for
> three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
> enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
> you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
> moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
> she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
> threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
> jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say
> they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
> anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
> I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
> wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
> expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like
> them.." He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
> understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
> with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else
> that your wife doesn't use?
>
> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
> woman.
>
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
> when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
> gesture, brings the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
> shrubbery.
>
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
>
> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you
> care to do it again?"
>
> He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
> let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you
> **** on its head."
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!
Got it, Asshole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
Enjoy this list of authentic announcements that London tube train drivers have made to their passengers over the years:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from
his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which
means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now
... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change,
please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this
way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean
throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down
four-eyes, and move your bl...y golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse
sideways!"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if
you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
A Glasgow senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out
> > > of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it
> > > to 90 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had
> > > left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew along the M8, enjoying
> > > pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
> > >
> > > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him,
> > > blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him -
> > > no problem!' thought the elderly Stirling Moss as he floored it to
> > > 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on
> > > earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!'
> > >
> > > So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police
> > > car to catch-up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer
> > > walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and
> > > said,
> > >
> > > 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm heading
> > > off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were
> > > speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
> > >
> > > The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,
> > > "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were
> > > bringing her back"
> > > "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
" A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
bluestar
13-02-2008, 17:53
After great sex my mates Thai girlfriend lay stroking his willie. He asked her "do you want more sex?"
"No" she replied "I'm just admiring your penis .......I really miss mine! "
bluestar
13-02-2008, 18:25
Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,
3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin
Thought to myself - they've lost the fcuking plot !
bluestar
13-02-2008, 19:13
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for
a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk. "
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came ."
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
................... (pause ) ...................
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
( makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F**k
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. A s for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
Student recieved an A
A woman went to ASDA service counter and told the clerk she wanted
a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told
her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special offer.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her
that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special offer.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
Gazza has been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to an institution specialising in those individuals who have come to the end of their career, with little chance of recovery.
"We're pleased to have him back" says Keegan:)
Gazza has been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to an institution specialising in those individuals who have come to the end of their career, with little chance of recovery.
"We're pleased to have him back" says Keegan:)
i'm sure you've sent this to mr starkey mr b!
I'm sure that I sent that to you Mr B!
You did, I thought Mr. Starkey would appreciate it, you didn't answer my text by the way.
I had mobile phone number one switched off yesterday and only had number two switched on :)
Oyveh, I wonder why that was Rapha my boy.
Very funny with the 'oyveh' comment, very funny.
you have to laugh Raph, otherwise you go mad, as a wolves supporter I learned that a long time ago.
funnily enough mick i learned that when i went to watch wolves with ged and daniel
I learned it as a youngster mate - old Kezza Dixon could score for fun, but too many went in at the other end!
Sorry Mr B I learnt that lesson too.
ged, your Michael and me standing outside the ground at midnight, waiting for tickets to the FA cup semi final game Against Arsenal a few years back.
seven in the morning got our tickets drove home gave them to the wife.
being as you know she is a wolves fan, thought it was a nice thing to do.
so in summary, midnight, wolverhampton, raining, get ticket, take home, have to spend next few weeks listerning to her go on about the fact she going.
Fast forward to after the game, spend weeks listerning to her moan about your lot getting spanked at villa park, ungreatful cow.
God i hate wolves
Ashley Cole goes to the Chelsea doctor complaining that he is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking him how often he has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," he says.
The doctor advises him to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says Cole. "That's the only night I'm home with my Missus."
bluestar
11-03-2008, 09:57
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Tony Saunders
20-03-2008, 13:13
heather mills is to buy a plane with the divorce money she receives from macca, but she'll still use immac on the other leg!!
whats the differencebetween heather mills and northern rock?
one has got 25 million,is on its last leg and f***S old people with lots of savings.
the other is a building society!
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*****g dishes!"
This made me chuckle
http://www.dabollicks.co.uk/images/heather.jpg
man goes into chemist and says can i have a pack of condoms please,chemist replies do u want a pack of 3,6,or 10.man says ill have a pack of 10 please mate,im goin 2 my gfs parents house 2 meet them 4 the 1st time,were havin dinner and shes promised me we can have the best dirtiest sex ever that night when we get home.later that evenin at the parents house theyre all sittin round the dinner table and they say grace wnd while the father mother and gf begin 2 eat,the bf is still prayin.4 ages it goes on and the gf says darling i didnt know u was so religious.bf replies yeah and i didnt know ur father was a chemist
Back of the Net
09-04-2008, 10:32
THE BACON TREE
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara).
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or
something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off
in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, back bacon,
life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!!
We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect
of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the
sound of gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not
a Bacon Tree"...
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"ees ... a .... Ham bush"
Arsenal's end of season party tonight @ 10.30pm, bring disposable cutlery only, no silverware.....
Arsenal's end of season party tonight @ 10.30pm, bring disposable cutlery only, no silverware.....
don't get too arrogant yet mr man utd scum you aint won anything yet!
Mr JB - no you are right mate but we that step closer than you boys...still at least there going to be at least one english team in the champs lge final, n hopefully we will be joining them!!
A Blonde gets a job in an office
and is told her first task is to get a round of coffees
So she grabs a large Thermos flask and goes out to a nearby coffee shop
She Holds Up The Flask And Asks The Woman Behind The Counter Is This Big Enough To Hold Seven Cups Of Coffee The Woman Says Yeah It Should Be ,The Blonde Says Great Can I Have 3 Black Coffees,2 Lattees,And Two Regular Decaffs
How Many Bus Drivers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
You Must Be Jokin They Can't Change A Five Pound Note.
Two Crisps Walking Down The Road
Taxi pulls Over And Says
`You Wanna Lift`
They Replie
` No Thanks We're Walkers`.
a blonde goes to an interveiw to try and get into the police force
At the interview she has to take a test
The police officer asked
`Who Killed John Lennon And How ?`
The Blonde Sticks Her Hand Up And
Says I Don't Know The Answer
The Police Officer Sends The Blonde Home
To Find Out How He Died And Come Back When She Knows
The Blonde Ran Back to Her Flat
Her Flat Mate Asks Her How She Got On She Said
GREAT ! im On My First Murder Case!
A Chicken Goes too a library
and says `Buk`
so the librarian gives him a book
next day the chicken is back again and says`buk buk`
so the librarian gives the chicken two books
the third day the chicken comes back again and says`buk buk buk`
so the librarian gives him 3 books with curiosity the librarian follows the chicken to see what he's up to
The chicken goes to a park and it heading towards the pond
A Frog jumps off a lilly pad towards the chicken and says ` reddit reddit reddit`
Bluenose
13-04-2008, 18:06
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They have been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient for a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "You have fifteen minutes left... would you care to do it again"
He asks her "Shall we", and she eagerly replies,? "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head."
A Blonde,brunette,and a ginge
went out for the day
they came across a magic slide
when they went down the slide they had to say what they wanted to land in
The Brunette went first and she said feathers,she safely landed in feathers
the Ginge said gold,she safely landed in gold,
The Blonde Went down the slide and said wwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A Blonde Ginge And Brunette Came Across A Magic Slide You Had To Say Wat You Wanted To Land In
The Brunette said,feathers she landed safely in feathers,the ginge said gold she landed safely in gold
the blonde got excited and done a run she tripped and shouted oh Sh*t..never guess what she landed in
Bluenose
13-04-2008, 18:10
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the Priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called.............Pope Secola."
Bluenose
13-04-2008, 18:12
WHO IS JACK SCHITT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"
How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.
i can use the arcade now ross.. :D :D
woo woo wooo wooo woo
Not sure if I will get away with this but hey, Ross can remove it....
A little girl goes to the barber with her dad. While her daddy is getting his hair cut, the little girl walks up to her dad while eating a muffin.
Barber: "You are going to get hair on your muffin, little girl"
Girl: "Yeah I know, I'm going to get t*ts too, you dirty old git"
Police have stopped Riise on the M62 - apparently he was heading in the wrong direction!
Back of the Net
02-05-2008, 13:36
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
sneeksxxx8
02-05-2008, 14:24
Why did the H kill himself???
Because the G-Had;)
Back of the Net
02-05-2008, 14:42
that's right out of the Freddy Star annual isnt it? POOR!
sneeksxxx8
02-05-2008, 14:48
Just got back from my Grandparents and they gave me a nice book ,thought i would share it with everybody:D
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand,walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar.'
Three Gay Guys Were All In A Car Crash And Died. All Three Guys Were Cremated.
There Boyfriends Were Talking About What They Were Going To Do With The Ashes.
The First Boyfriend Said I Am Going To Sky Dive And Spread His Ashes In The Sky Because
Thats What He Liked.
The Second Guy Said I Am Going To Spread My Boyfriends Ashes
In The Sea Because It's What He Liked.
The Third Guy Said I'm Going To Put My Boyfriends Ashes In A Bowl Of Chili So He Can
Rip Through My Ass One Last Time!!
"So you're writing a down-to-earth story?"
"Yes, about a parachute jumper."
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?Getting fingered by Captain Hook
What is green and purple and wants revenge?
The Grapes of Wrath
After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red or
green. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop.
Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officcccer, could you tell us
if the moon is red or green?"
The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one?"
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
trying to make him vomit."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
THROAT!"
The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,
then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.
I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later
another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but
two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped
him:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a
party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"
the whiskey replied.
And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"
"...And the halftime score here at the Colleusium is Lions 7,Christians Nothing. We'll be right back after these messages..."
Why are girls like pianos?When they're not upright, they're grand...
some poor efforts there accept captain hook.
sneeksxxx8
15-05-2008, 21:06
harbs, ever heard of a ditcioinary???;)
sneeksxxx8
18-09-2008, 11:21
Last week Jamie Carragher went shopping and walked into to the new Levi store in the city centre, the shop assistant approached and said can i help you sir, yes i need a new pair of jeans, I have just the thing for you..Jamie loved the new pair and bought them a perfect fit
Today he returned to store with a very unhappy look on his face and spoke to to manager and explained these jeans are not right and have a serious fault with them..whats that sir ??
I found this Bulgarian in my pocket, i demand a refund???
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
very good sneeks.
He's only a poor little scouser,
His face is all battered and torn,
He made me feel sick,
So I hit him with a brick,
And now he don't sing anymore.
Paddy goes into superdrug & asks the assistant " Have you got any KY Jelly?", the assistant replies " No, have you tried boots?". Paddy says " I want to slide in, not chuffin march in!!"
A woman goes to the doctor derperate for help. She expalins that her fanny can talk.
She whips down her knickers and her fanny whispers " Liverpool are going to win the league"
The doc replies "Im afraid we're in the middle of an epidemic. Lots of c!*"s have started talking like this."
Scouse girls nursery rhyme...." Singa songa syphilis,fanny full of crabs,4+20 blackheads, twice as many scabs, when they all pop open, crabs begin 2 swim, wasnt that a manky muff to put your willy in"
Tony Saunders
18-09-2008, 12:17
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
" Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us."
He's only a poor little scouser,
His face is all battered and torn,
He made me feel sick,
So I hit him with a brick,
And now he don't sing anymore.
Sounds familiar, perhaps Green Street.
A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to buy the New Football he has been desperate for. He gets the ball down from the rack and gives the shop-keeper his £10.
”Sorry Son !!” Explains the shopkeeper. “This ball cost £20, but you’ve only got £10”.
Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the club balls and says “Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess the club on the ball will you let me have the ball for £10”? The shopkeeper curiously agrees, and blindfolds the boy.
First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball.
“OK” says the boy placing his ear to the ball. “I can hear the blasting sound of 2 canons. This must be an Arsenal ball”
“That was a lucky guess” exclaimed the shopkeeper. “Lets try another one” And he hands him a Millwall ball.
“OK” Says the boy placing his ear to the ball again. “I can hear a pack of rampant Lions. It must be a Millwall ball”.
“Christ” Says the shopkeeper. “If you get the next one right I’ll let you have the ball for nothing” and he passes him another ball.
Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he exclaims “That’s a Newcastle United ball”.
“Holly Mary Mother Of God” Shouts the shopkeeper.”How on earth did you get that one. I suppose you heard a Magpie squwaking??”
“No” Said the boy .......................................
.................................................. .......
wait for it................................................ .
.................................................. ..........
“It’s going down”!!!
Apparently David Blaine is pretty annoyed that his record of doing nothing in a box for 48 days has been beaten by Robbie Keane...
sneeksxxx8
30-09-2008, 11:25
Whats the difference between Spurs and a Triangle?
A Triangle has 3 points
sneeksxxx8
30-09-2008, 11:28
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest
I think that if you said "financially unviable" it would have more flow and impact.
sneeksxxx8
30-09-2008, 21:45
Tottenham manager Juande Ramos has been arrested for speeding.
In his defence he said he just wanted to know what getting 3 points felt like
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were bothpatients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulledhim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic actshe immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good newsand bad news.. The good news is you're being discharged, since you wereable to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobebelt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How sooncan I go home?':face:
boy goes to social services and tells them he has no where to live.what about your parents?no,they beat me says the boy.what about your grandparence?no,they beat me even harder"."well where do u want to stay then?says the social worker.TOTTENHAM says the boy."they dont beat anyone.
sneeksxxx8
20-10-2008, 18:35
Three parrots are for sale.
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"F*** me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"F*** me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says
"F*** me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks
sneeksxxx8
20-10-2008, 18:36
Kenny Dalglish, Alex Fergie and Jose mourinho are out for a stroll together discussing their various triumphs
They come to a large lake and without hesitation, Kenny steps onto the lake an proceeds to walk over to the other side. Jose of course doesnt want to be outdone so he promptly does the same. Alex steps onto the water and.... SPOOOOSSHHH! Up to the top of his head in muddy water!
Jose turns to Kenny and says "Hey Kenny, do you think we should have told Alex about the stepping stones?
Kenny replies "What stepping stones?"
Bluenose
21-10-2008, 12:43
The body of a man has been found in the River Thames this morning wearing a Tottenham Hotspur football club shirt, womens knickers, stockings, suspenders, a blow-up doll on his cock and a dildo up his arse. A police spokesman said "we have removed the Spurs shirt to save the family any embarrassment."
sneeksxxx8
22-10-2008, 14:55
What do you call an italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
what do you call a guy with a small manhood?
Justin
MagicMan
22-10-2008, 15:33
For all the Tottenham fans out there, well maybe for all the Arsenal fans out there :)
I was playing Scrabble on Facebook and had enough letters to make 'Tottenham Hotspur Football Club'. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points.
Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.
Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. "It ought to," replies the groundsman. "We put 70 million quid's worth of manure on it every week."
What would an improved version of Spurs be called? Newcastle United.
Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points.
Is it just me or are Spurs the team to beat this season? Everyone's at it.
When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was.
On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.
All trains through White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a massive points failure.
What's the difference between Juande Ramos and a cowboy? A cowboy wears Spurs on his boots whereas Ramos is a crap manager.
What does THFC stand for? Tottenham Heading For the Championship.
What's the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.
Spurs have been forced to rename their ground "White Lane" because their "Hart" was surgically removed when Berbatov and Keane were sold.
Spurs Finally Win!
(see attached photo)
CoatesFC - Dave
24-10-2008, 06:30
Sky sports are reporting that ALL premier league games will be cancelled this weekend due to irregular betting patterns......................................some one has put a fiver on spurs winning!!!!*mock*
yido manea
24-10-2008, 09:50
Laugh it up why you can!!!
Fabriegas
28-10-2008, 13:48
a blonde and a brunette both jump off a building, who hits the floor first?
The brunette , the blonde stopped for directions.
Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....
It was a coffin
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him.
He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door.
The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.........still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
How do you pull a fat bird???....
Piece of cake...
Kev_Anthony
14-11-2008, 10:13
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh***ing herself.
maccaceltic
14-11-2008, 10:34
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about £50" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
maccaceltic
14-11-2008, 10:36
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
maccaceltic
14-11-2008, 10:38
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
Three women went down to Mexico one night to celebrate their college graduation.
As they did the round of nightclubs, apparently someone had slipped something into their drinks. They woke up in jail that night, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of them could remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, was strapped into the electric chair and was asked if she had any last words.
She said, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and I believe in the power of Almighty God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They threw the switch and nothing happened. They all immediately fell to the floor on their knees, begged for forgiveness, and released her.
The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and gave her last words.
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They threw the switch, and again nothing happened. Again they all immediately fell to their knees, beged for forgiveness, and released her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if ya don't plug this thang in!"
sneeksxxx8
18-11-2008, 12:35
This is a good One ;)
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for
his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 56 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd
ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she
said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I
went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
This made me laugh:
http://www.funnyordie.co.uk/videos/20f4c70e15/sneezing-panda-from-mike
oldbloke
25-11-2008, 15:34
2 irishmen on the banks of the congo river spot a head in a crocodiles mouth, one says " look murphy hes got a LACOSTE sleeping bag!"
bluestar
26-11-2008, 09:08
do you fart in bed?
this is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
So every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came dowstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.
He said, 'honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'.
'what do you mean?' asked his wife.
'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.'
'but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in!!!!!!
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
> group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm
> your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the
> human race.
>
> A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
> gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
>
> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
> the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
>
> She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
> more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
> chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
> breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
> important.
>
> They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which
> thrilled her immensely.
>
> At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
> pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
> her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to
> the bank the next day to open a savings account.
>
> At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
> girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
> had a 'pay packet'.
>
> "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.
>
> The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
> Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."
>
> "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on
> the house again next week?"
> The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
>
> "I think so. Provided those ******s at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks
Glasgow Rangers Champions
10-12-2008, 14:28
Blue star that made me giggle!!!
WTFAMU that just bored me lol!!!:hbgr:
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here' he says. '
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the f^?*ing goalie'
hahaha, the one about the blonde teacher is funny bratts
Dugout 08
15-12-2008, 22:01
Bluestar. Good Joke, but you metioned G**f. Or is that not a sport?
yeah top joke bluestar !!
Badmanz united
16-12-2008, 09:55
Paddy and tracey walking home from town after a heavy drinking session, half way home tracey decides she needs a wee she hops in to a bush and pulls her jeans down, paddy feeling friskey decides to cop a feel, instead of what he expects to feel he finds sumthing dangaling, fluster he turns to tracey and ask "hey love have you had a sex change" "no" replies tracey "i changed my mind im going for a dump"
Badmanz united
16-12-2008, 09:58
ugly looking guy walks into his local pub with a massive smile on his face, the barman turns to and ask "why have you got such a big smile" "well" said the guy "i was walking home last night and i live just next to the train track and as i was walking by i seen a gorges women tied to the track so i un tied her took her home and got the most amazing s*x every we had it in every postion possiable" The barman ask "did you get a blowj*b" no replies the man i couldnt find her head........
He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.
A kid came up to me the other day and asked 'whats your favourite tellytubby ?' I said probably the new samsung widescreen you cheeky little ****a'
oldbloke
31-12-2008, 15:02
a man was watching corrie when he heard a knock at the door, on answering a 9 foot insect punched him and sent him reeling. at the hospital the nurse said " that was a nasty mugging you got" he replied, " it wasnt a mugging! i was attacked by a 9 foot insect on my own front door!" the nurse replied, there is a nasty bug going round!
oldbloke
02-01-2009, 14:09
3 cowboys were out herding cattle and as they sat down for their 50th meal of beans one said " im sick of beans im off to find a bacon tree!" he rode off, his mate said "its just desert madness he will be back" 4 hours later he rode in with 10 arrows in his back and a tomahawk in his head! his mate said" did you find your bacon tree?" no he said but i found a HAMBUSH!
POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
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The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
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So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
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The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
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The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.
FC Farcelona
15-01-2009, 11:08
Witnesses told the police he served easily by one car, accelerated by a second then got a slight nudge on the side which flipped him over 10 times, slid at least 200 yards on his back, flipped over and hit the wall the right way up
Ronaldo later added I tried so hard to miss the wall but it was less than 10 yards back...........:hbgr:
FC Farcelona
15-01-2009, 14:35
Paddy decided after numerous pints of Guinness and Bushmills chasers, he had had enough and got off the bar stool to go home, but fell to the floor with a mighty thud
BeeJeesus thought Paddy I'vd had far too many and shouting his goodbyes crawled to the door, opened it and then tried to stand and fell again before taking a step.
Foork it he thought O'ill crawl home its only 2 doors away
getting home he tried once more to stand and have a **** but failed and crawled into bed next to his missus.
he slept until around midday when his wife came to wake him
BeeJeesus said Paddy I was well gone last night, I nearly didn't get home.
I know his wife said Seamus from the pub just rung you left your artificial legs there last night
Kev_Anthony
15-01-2009, 15:16
Two cows stood in a field, one says to the other
"What do you reckon to this mad cow disease then?"
To which he replies
"Doesn't affect me mate, I'm a hovercraft!"
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