The jokes thread
Well, thought it may be a good idea to start one, so here goes: -
Please try to keep them suitable for all audiences
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...
"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says,
"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun
needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."
As the officer writes Out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,
"Can't you Please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see officer; I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says,
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
" Only when he's been drinking."
Feel free to add your own
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands -free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat it's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,.. go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000"
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Bluestar. Good Joke, but you metioned G**f. Or is that not a sport?
Picky......... good joke I thoughtOriginally Posted by Cham1
INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super-model....and it's
free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain
offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive
yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
Excellent stuff, keep em coming fellas
Mobile Man, where's your original jokes you first posted ? I thought they were quite good. When time permits I will add a couple but here's one for now...
Me and Tommy Cooper were in London one night having a few beers before the last train came back to Peterborough and I said to him where do you want to go for the last couple, he replied I've always wanted to go to Soho Spec. We went down to Soho and the great London fog suddenly came down and you couldn't see more than a foot in front of you. I'm wandering round Soho shouting Tommy Tommy where are you, all of a sudden a bird taps me on the shoulder and says are you after a good time, I said no I am trying to find my mate to catch the last train back to Peterborough. She says come with me I'll look after you, I said no I've got to find him go away, she tries again and again I said no clear off.
She lifts her skirt up and says to me does your mate look like this and I said no he's a bigger c*** than that.
I decided to edit them, as this forum is read by people of all ages, and i dont think they were suitable for the younger audience, so decided to edit them, i did add a small rule to follow, its in the original post in bold. So please keep the jokes coming, but do try to keep them suitable for all audiences.
This might sound like im being a miserable so and so, but im not honest.....just not wanting to cause offence.
Didnt think many people saw the original ones i posted anyway
So Tommy Cooper is holding court in the local pub after another fine Saturday afternoon win. He's had a few sherberts, and says " Yeah I am pretty famous, and know loads of people". Spec, nearby hears this and says" C'mon Tom you ain't that famous". "Yes, I am" Tommy replies, " I am known throughout the land". Spec decides that enough is enough, " Alright, I bet you don't know Tony Blair!". " Yep, says Tommy, " me and Tony often have a Chinese on a Saturday". "Prove it" says Spec.
Off the two go to Downing Street, Tommy knocks on number 10, and Cherie answers the door. " Hello, Tommy, nice to see you again. I'm sorry but Tony has just nipped off to Brussells for the evening, he will be sorry he missed you, don't forget next Friday, and our take away at Chequers!".
Spec, is astonished, but being made of sterner stuff says " You just got lucky with that one Tommy, bet you dont know the Queen?" " Me and Liz are Whist partners" says Tommy. "Prove it" says Spec, so off they go to Buckingham Palace.
Tommy rings the bell, and Phil the Greek answers the door. " Watcha Tommy, how are you? Sorry Liz is off at some function or other, she will be sorry she missed you, dont forget we have cards next Wednesday".
For once Spec is speechless, but quickly regaining his composure he says " Its been too easy Tommy, lets try further afield, bet you dont know the Pope! " Yup" says Tommy, "weve talked tactics over the years". "Prove it" says Spec, so off they fly to Rome.
They arrive on Sunday Morning and make their way to St Peters Square, where 500,000 people are gathered for Sunday Mass. Tommy tells Spec to wait where he is, and he will see what he can do.
Finally after 20 minutes two tiny figures appear in the distance on the Vatican balcony. Spec, who all local refs know has problems now and again with his eyesight, and cant quite make out who the figures are, so he grabs one of the Popes Swiss Guards and asks " is that the Pope on the balcony in the distance. The Swiss guard looks hard and then says " Don't know, but that looks like Tommy Cooper with him !"
Just received bad news about George Best, he's only got 1 hour to live.............................................. .................................................. ...... There is some good news though, ITS HAPPY HOUR!
All the best George
Have you all got a fetish for Tommy Cooper
Keep em coming fellas
Things to do while the other half shops
01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: Code 3 in House wares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME ! ! - PICK ME ! !!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal Position and scream " OH NO! It's those voices again!!!"
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
Another couple for ya's
Apologies if youve seen these before but i thought they were funny: -
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you."
Purifying Water
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.."
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's
"Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush???"
The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"
Juicy Squirt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States."
Some more for you: -
A tramp asks a man for two dollars.
The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?" The tramp says no.
The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The tramp says no.
Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?"
How can you tell E.T is a Liverpool fan?
Because he looks like one!
How much do cockneys spend on shampoo?
Pan-tene
oldies but goodies.....
A man and a woman, who have never met before, who are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and
uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell
asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****** blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
__________________________________________________ ___________
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're
next, fatty."
__________________________________________________ ___________
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Indian Yoga vs Irish Yoga
or
Health Warning.
Yesterday Government scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned
-------------------------------------------------
Fowl piece of luck, chaps.
Sometimes fact really is stranger than fiction.
Did you spot the story this week about scientists at a top secret British Government laboratory building a gun to launch dead chickens at the windscreens of airliners, military jets and spacecraft, all travelling at maximum velocity?
The idea was to test the strength of aircraft windscreens against simulated impact from flying birds.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were keen to test it on the windscreens of the space shuttle.
A gun was sent to the NASA space centre, and when fired they were shocked to see the results.
The chicken hurtled out of the barrel like a missile, shattered the windscreen, blasted through the control console, snapped the astronauts’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the shuttle control cabin.
The horrified NASA engineers sent the British guys their disastrous results and begged for suggestions.
The Brits responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
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