That is awful SlimOriginally Posted by Slim Bratts
Ah c'mon!
Ok what about this one...
Was walking down the road the other day to exercise my very poorly knee (violins playing in the background) and someone threw a lump of cheese at me..................
Wasn't very mature.
Nope poor
So anyway Bezza i used to race snails, mine was well good but then fell off the pace so i decided to make him more lightweight by taking off his shell...dint work tho...
if anything he was more sluggish.
Planes in Manchester were grounded last week due to an ash cloud
Sources said city had to open the trophy cabinet sometime
Imogen Thomas has taken up singing to get over her super injunction, she's been doing giggs all over Manchester
A woman is having lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. One is engaged and one is a mistress, the woman has been been married for 20+ years.
They were chatting about their relationships and decided to run an experiment by amazing their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went...
The engaged friend said :-
" The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said 'you are the woman of my dreams. I love you'. Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress said:-
" Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."
Then the married woman had to share her story:
" When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
'WHAT'S FOR DINNER, ZORRO?'
SENSITIVE MAN
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember — You're in this together — It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??
---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught! ----
Ryan Giggs was asked: "Do you ever get homesick, living in Manchester away from your roots?"
Giggs replied: "No, but I occasionally do Miss Wales"
Not a joke as such, but have you seen the latest Paddy Power ads in their shops?
Picture of that Imogen bird (looking fit) with the headline - IMOGEN THAT!
IF BARCELONA LOSE WE REFUND ALL LOSING BETS.
Great marketing ploy........
Been a while so lets lighten the mood!!
A young man named
John received a parrot as a gift. The Parrot had a bad attitude and an even
worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.Finally, John was fed
up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot
and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his
hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.Fearing
that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The
parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. "
John was stunned
at the change in the bird's attitude.As he was about to ask the parrot
what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Tell all the tims ye no Rangers are gonna get 4 in a row!!! Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy lalalalalala
I just saw a nun in a wheelchair rolling down a hill!
All I could think was......Virgin Mobile.
Candygram for Mungo!
In the Gym this morning I discovered a hole in one of my trainers that my finger fitted into perfectly.
Unfortunatley the female trainer made a complaint , I got arrested and banned from the gym for life !!!!!
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