The jokes thread

[Hyypia]

D'you get that one off a Xmas cracker Lozzaman?

[bluestar]

An elderly man walks into a used car delership ready to buy a car.
The salesman brings the old man over to one of his finest cars and starts describing all the features.
The old man gets into the car and discovers a bag of golf tees in the glove compartment.
He asks what these are for, to which the salesman replies " These are used to prop you balls up whilst driving". The old man replies " boy this car really does have everything!"
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Bob goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Bob replies " That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and my mate Charlie hit a hole in one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Bobs wife replied " oh that's terrible!"
Bob says " I know. Then for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball drag, Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie......"
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and one for you Lozzaman

Two Mexican detectives are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. " How was he killed?" asks one detective. "with a golf gun," the other detective replied. " A golf gun ?! What's a golf gun?" " I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan !!!"

[Ross]

And another one: -
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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[Ross]

Time to get this going again

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Hyypia]

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and i'd have to quit.
Then i caught her spending £65 on make-up so i asked how come i had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back

[spec]

I said to my misses why are you ironing your bra you've got nothing to put in it, she said I iron your boxer shorts don't I.

[bluestar]

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

Symptom -Feet cold and wet
Fault - Glass being held at incorrect angel
Action - Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling

Symptom - Feet warm and wet
Fault - Inproper Bladder control
Action - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

Symptom - Drink unusually pale and tasteless
Fault - Glass Empty
Action - Get someone to buy you another drink

Symptom - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault - You have fallen backwards
Action - Have yourself lashed to the bar

Symptom - Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault - You have fallen forwards
Action - see above

Symptom - Alcohol tasteless, front of shirt wet
Fault - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action - Retire to gents, practice in the mirror.

Symptom - Everyone looks up at you and smiles
Fault - You are dancing on a table
Action - Fall on someone cushy looking

Symptom - Drink is crystal -clear
Fault - its water, somebody is trying to sober you up
Action - punch him !

and my personal favourite .....

Symptom - Dont recognise anyone or the room you are in
Fault - You've wandered into the wrong party
Action - See if they have free alcohol!

[cozza7]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%.


Its called Wedding Cake!

[robbo]

Salesman nocks at door, 16 yr old boy with make up on and stockings and suspenders opens the door, the sales man asks if his mum is home. The boy says does it look like my mums home

[bluestar]

Then there was this dopey youngster playing for my reserve side - he put a condom on inside out and went......

same lad went into the local chemist and asked for some black condoms -"sorry we havent got any, have you tried Boots?" said the assistant. "Yes, but it comes through the laceholes" he replied !

And not being put off he asked her for some deodorant - " ball or aerosol ? " she asked - "Neither" he replied, " its for under me arms !!!"

[lozzaman]

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink!!!

[jb]

they also get married in white so they can match the domestic appliances!

[robbo]

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[JNE]

Quite simply, brilliant and what everyman would want to do!!

Hope you well Robbo and see you thurs.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned
it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his
deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just
from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,including the wedding
party, was a manila envelope.


KEEP READING!!!



He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride
having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them
weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes,he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- you!"

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people
would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest
wedding an reception, and best of all,trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this?


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends......................................$32,0 00.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion...................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui....................................$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man.......... Priceless.

[robbo]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[bluestar]

It was October and the red indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the national weather service and asked, "is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the national weather service again. "does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"yes," the man at national weather service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the national weather service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[robbo]

A woman walks into the Chemists and says."I'd like some Cyanide to poison my husband!"
"I'm sorry" says the Chemist, "It's not as easy as that, I can't just let you have Cyanide!"
With that, the woman reaches into her bag, and produces a photograph of her husband in bed with the chemists wife!
"I do apologise" says the chemist, "I didn't realise you had a prescription !!!".

[bluestar]

Defenition of a wife -

Its a device you screw on the bed and it does the housework!

[bluestar]

Now you may think that the hardest and most painful part of a male to female sex change operation is when they remove the penis - WRONG that's the easy bit - the hard part is widening the mouth and taking the brain out !!!

[Hyypia]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs & get me slippers?"

"No bother" he says & runs upstairs. When he gets upstairs, Paddy's 2 stunning 19yr old twin daughters are sat on their bed.

"Hello der girls, ur dad has sent me up here to shag ya both"

"**** off you liar" they said. "I'll prove it" says Murphy.

So he shouts down the stairs "BOTH OF EM PAD?"

"Course both of 'em, what's the use of ****ing one of them??!!!"